Dr. Doctor

Question:
I am a 44 year old woman with two small children. Two years ago, I left my husband because I learned he cheated on me repeatedly. I had tried to give him a chance because i loved him and our family very very much but I had found out about his affair far too late. By the time I found out, he was two years into the affair and was madly in love with the new woman. It was the most painful experience I have lived through as we had been married for 17 years and I have known him and his family for 21 years.

Fast forward three years and a friend of mine introduced me to a man, a highly successful doctor who I am very physically attracted to. We have been dating for the past few months but it has been the most miserable relationship I have ever had. Why? Because he is so committed to his work, he calls only periodically and always at the last minute. When things get crazy in his practice, he does not return phone calls or respond to emails. Twice before, during his absences, I have let him go and tried to move on, but he always calls after a few weeks and wants to see me to resume things where we left off.

I am beginning to wonder what is wrong with me that I seem unable to let him go. My mind says he's not for me. The fact that he does not call to explain his absences shows a lack of respect. I know this. Has my self esteem become so battered after what my exhusband did that I am doomed to suffer through one dysfunctional relationships after another? I am beginning to wonder.

I would very much like to get out of this cycle. If you have any suggestions, I sure would like to hear them. My head knows what to do, but my heart and my actions don't seem to follow.

Answer:

Any "highly successful" doctor is already married, to his job. It's how he became "highly successful". If you are unhappy in your relationship with this doctor you have to be strong enough to tell him about it. You can not assume that his lack of explanation about spending time away from you is a sign of disrespect. He is busy. He will be busy until he retires, at which point he will busy himself with a hobby such as golf, a boat, a motorcycle, etc. It is just the way of "highly successful" doctors.

Perhaps the reason his busyness bothers you so much is, you are afraid of discovering he too is a cheater. If he is a trustworthy man you must trust him. If not, run away.

It is hard to let our pasts be in the past sometimes but it may be an indicator that you are not ready for any relationship yet. Take some time and become a whole person yourself. You must be whole before you can be one half of any relationship. THAT is how you break the cycle.