Lost boy?

The question:
Our new neighbors have a ten-year-old boy who goes to school here in the neighborhood. After school he comes home and within fifteen minutes of being home he is over here at our house hanging around. His parents both work apparently. Our family likes him a lot but he won’t go home. Some nights he stays to six or seven and has supper with us. His parents don’t seem worried about where he is in the evening. They just don’t seem to take responsibility for his daytime hours. Sometimes he brings a book and just sits on our deck and reads. What should I do?

The answer:

Well this is a tough one. There are a lot of facts left out of the question. What is the legal age for being left at home in your state? Does the boy have an alternative place to hang out? Have you had any contact with his parents? How much is having an extra kid around really bothering you?

I think you have a few choices

1- Let him and his parents know you don't approve of his being left alone all day and that you will be forced to contact authorities if it continues.

2- Explain to the parents you really like the boy but would like to have more alone family time. Asking them to encourage him to find more friends or an alternative place to hang out.

3- (and I am inclined to lean toward this one) Just include him as part of the family. He is clearly reaching out to you as a parental figure. How intrusive can he be if he is just reading on the porch. This child could come to view you as his second set of parents as his own seem too busy to be bothered with mundane details such as providing care for their 10 year old child. A loving and secure environment could be just the thing to keep a good child from getting into the kind of trouble that comes with unsupervised and lonely children. It may be inconvenient for you at times and it is a big responsibility that has been unjustly thrust upon you but, I say the rewards of caring for an otherwise uncared for child outweigh the irritations.

Children lost in this world will find a place wherever they can. If not with you then where? It's something to think about.

I know it has been a while. I am starting again.

The Question:
I don’t understand why people need others to take sides in an argument. If someone is upset and wants to cut someone out of his/her life, why does that person expect family and friends to do the same — even if the disagreement had nothing to do with them? Some of them lie to force the issue. I just don’t understand — especially because we’re talking about adults.

Puzzled

Answer:

I have some personal experience with this particular situation. I believe people do this to punish the person they are angry with. It is juvenile and the fact that you don't understand it is a testament to your personal maturity. Lies are not acceptable in relationships and will eat away at the core of them. If someone has been lying to you about another person, let them know it will not be tolerated. Also, if you wish to remain unaffected declare it to be so. It is perfectly within the realm of your rights to be neutral.

fatties in the back

The question:
My aunt and uncle are "large" people. In the past we have had to be extremely cautious about where they sit when they come visit. Our furniture is mostly hand-me-downs and not overly sturdy.

They have, on occasion, broken the furniture because of their weight. We have had to have our kitchen chairs reglued, and once a chair was destroyed beyond repair. They have never ever offered to make amends for the furniture they have damaged.

We are about to order a new dining room set and living room furniture. Naturally, we don't want these broken. My husband has suggested giving them only sturdy folding chairs to sit on, but I don't want to embarrass them or make them feel unwelcome.

Is there a way to protect our furniture without hurting or offending my aunt and uncle? We don't have the money to constantly replace broken items. --

The answer:

Wow! You must have huge relatives or, really crappy furniture. Either way I am sure it is an embarrassing situation for all involved.

Suggesting they only sit on folding chairs would be rude and hurtful. You may need to reinforce your furniture and caution all in attendance at a family gathering that, your furniture is frail and fragile and make a public declaration that only certain chairs are reliable. It is a tricky situation when some fattys break your furniture.

As far as them never offering to pay to replace anything that you received second hand in the first place, well I guess they felt it was the defective chair who was at fault. It is the job of a good host or hostess to insure the comfort of all guests. If some of your stuff cant take the heat, keep it out of the kitchen.

weiner

Question:
My wife left me a few weeks ago because she discovered an affair that I had a few years ago, ended, and then kept from her. In the years since the affair, I recommitted myself to our marriage and became a more attentive husband. My wife is hurt and furious, and for weeks would only call me to talk about getting a divorce. Three nights ago, my wife told me she is pregnant. She still wants a divorce, but she also wants our child to grow up in a stable environment, so she says she will forgive me to an extent so we can have an amicable relationship for the sake of our child. Last night, I went over to her new apartment and we had the first decent conversation we've had in months. She promised me that I can be a very active part of our child's life, which basically means I have an all-access pass into her life, too.

Answer:
Nope! No! Negative! Nix! Absolutely not! Having a child entitles you to nothing. You have burnt the bridge to your wife's affection. You must earn trust and you have done some pretty immense damage. You screwed up your marriage by, well screwing someone else! Now what you have left is a child to care for and whose needs you need to consider first above all others. It sounds like your soon to be ex-wife has a good head on her shoulders. You should follow in her footsteps and start acting like a responsible adult. Think before you act. DO NOT act like you have an all access pass into her life. You don't!

he he he

Who said I was going to stick to the regiment? Well I guess I did. I have been away for a month and have decided its about a month too long. Who wants to read the work of a slacker? I am trying not to have the summer crazy of kids not being away at school completely consume my every thought. I will triumph.

Money is a .....

The question:

I have been married for two years and things have gone steadily downhill. I thought I married my soul-mate yet now we can�t seem to agree on anything important. When we were engaged, I though we agreed on everything. Now, even how we like our pasta cooked is a bone of contention.
Our biggest fights seem to be about money. I love nice things and a beautiful environment. I think my husband would be happy living in a cave.
Whenever I come home with a new dress or an item to beautify our house, he hits the ceiling. He wants to retire at 50 and sees any expenditure beyond bare necessities as taking away from his nest egg.
I was raised in a home where money was seen as a way to live better. He grew up in a poorer home where his family scrimped and saved to provide their children with a relatively good life.
Believe me, I am far from extravagant, but I don�t think I should have to defend myself every time I buy something without his approval.
i am at my wits end with this. Please help.




The answer:

People who feel they married their soul-mate are shocked to find they will have disagreements but they shouldn't be. I wonder how long you knew your husband before you got engaged. There are plenty of every day things that just don't come up in a dating scenario. If your husband's views have taken a drastic turn since you were married then there may be more to it, however from your letter it sounds like this is something the two of you should have sorted out before tying the knot. Secondly, everyone fights about money sometimes. If it has become an overwhelming theme to your every day life you may need more help.

That being said, it is not the end of the world or very uncommon for the man in a relationship to be miserly with money and for the woman to want to beautify her space and herself. The trick is to come to the middle. It is important in all relationships to have some compromise. He is not going to become the kind of person who spends money willy nilly and you are not going to become a scrimping, minimalist, saver. The two of you need to decide, together, what is appropriate to spend and on what BEFORE the money is spent. You can continue surprise him with your purchases if you want to continue the fighting.

If he thinks you are spending too much, put yourself on a budget and STICK TO IT! If he is unrealistic in the amount he wants you to spend, have a frank talk with him about your feelings on the matter. At the very least, a budget will allow you some spending money without shocking him. Even if it is more than he wanted you to spend, a budget allows him to work it into his plan.

Communication is key in every relationship as is a willingness to bend. It is important, however to deliver our feelings and frustrations in a non threatening/non judgmental way. A calm, direct but caring conversation when tensions are not raised can work magic on a relationship in trouble.

Cake?

The Question:
My son was married a short time ago. The reception was held at my condo member hall. After the reception, the bride and groom asked me to refrigerate the leftover bottom layer of the wedding cake. They said they'd pick it up the next day.

Six days later, the cake was still in my fridge. They made excuses every day for not picking it up. Finally, I threw it away.

Now I'm the bad guy, and the bride is demanding an apology. Abby, the cake was hard and crusty, and I felt six days was long enough. Was I wrong in dumping the cake?

The answer:

Wellll, not exactly although dumping it may have been a bit harsh. The wedding and reception day are full of stress and emotion along with the joy and romance. A bride can become very attached to something like the leftover wedding cake and not see the basic impracticality of keeping it. Did you let them know the cake's condition and your plans to throw it out? Realistically it should have been covered tightly and frozen. Any other means of storage would result in an inedible cake. (although even freezing it will render it funny tasting) If this was not something you knew or had the ability to do, then you did your best in the situation.

My question to you is, how hard is it to say sorry for upsetting someone who is now a part of your family? Granted, she and your son were rude for leaving the cake for so long after being asked to pick it up but, they are newly married. Cake is not at the top of their list. It may go a long way to apologize for the cake being discarded as this would validate the girls feelings and you could also point out you did not know what else to do with it as it was deteriorating in the fridge.

Cougar tails?

The question:
I'm an athletic, youthful-looking 58, and my son, "Barry," is 24. We go out alone for dinner quite often because my husband (Barry's father) doesn't enjoy eating in restaurants. My problem is the angry stares my son and I get from younger -- and older -- women who mistake me for a "cougar" out on a date with my "cub."

The other night when I left our table to use the restroom, a woman approached Barry, told him he was "disgusting," and asked, "Why don't you date girls your own age?" He informed her that I was his mother, but even if I wasn't, it was none of her business. Another time, a girl Barry's age asked him why he was out with "an old hag" and said, "How can you want her over me?" This happens every time we go out.

I dress well and look like I could be in my 40s, but I have to wonder about the rudeness and ignorance of someone insulting my son without knowing the circumstances of the situation. Some of them refused to believe the truth even after Barry told them.

Interestingly, young men who have commented thought it was "awesome" that Barry could be out with a cougar. It's only the females who have a problem with us. Can you comment on this? -- HAPPILY MARRIED MOM IN OHIO

The answer:

I certainly can. Who cares what anyone else thinks. I think its great you have a good and healthy relationship with your son but what really matters, is what you are feeling. Women can be cruel, catty, back biting, condemning, jealous, hurtful, (and for lack of a better term) bitches. Males on the other hand, are usually happy to slap a high five to any guy who could be getting any from just about anyone. Its a fundamental difference that one should not attempt to understand rather just accept.

People should learn to keep their ill tempered assumptions to themselves. When they don't, I suggest you feel no compulsion to explain the situation. Just thank them for their ignorance and fodder for the rest of the evening's laughter or give your son a big smoocher on the cheek. Women who would be so rude are probably alone or unhappy in their relationships. I'll bet they would not behave so badly if they had dates. Break out your phone and take their picture for your own personal wall of fame. Your son is right... It's none of their business!!!

Dr. Doctor

Question:
I am a 44 year old woman with two small children. Two years ago, I left my husband because I learned he cheated on me repeatedly. I had tried to give him a chance because i loved him and our family very very much but I had found out about his affair far too late. By the time I found out, he was two years into the affair and was madly in love with the new woman. It was the most painful experience I have lived through as we had been married for 17 years and I have known him and his family for 21 years.

Fast forward three years and a friend of mine introduced me to a man, a highly successful doctor who I am very physically attracted to. We have been dating for the past few months but it has been the most miserable relationship I have ever had. Why? Because he is so committed to his work, he calls only periodically and always at the last minute. When things get crazy in his practice, he does not return phone calls or respond to emails. Twice before, during his absences, I have let him go and tried to move on, but he always calls after a few weeks and wants to see me to resume things where we left off.

I am beginning to wonder what is wrong with me that I seem unable to let him go. My mind says he's not for me. The fact that he does not call to explain his absences shows a lack of respect. I know this. Has my self esteem become so battered after what my exhusband did that I am doomed to suffer through one dysfunctional relationships after another? I am beginning to wonder.

I would very much like to get out of this cycle. If you have any suggestions, I sure would like to hear them. My head knows what to do, but my heart and my actions don't seem to follow.

Answer:

Any "highly successful" doctor is already married, to his job. It's how he became "highly successful". If you are unhappy in your relationship with this doctor you have to be strong enough to tell him about it. You can not assume that his lack of explanation about spending time away from you is a sign of disrespect. He is busy. He will be busy until he retires, at which point he will busy himself with a hobby such as golf, a boat, a motorcycle, etc. It is just the way of "highly successful" doctors.

Perhaps the reason his busyness bothers you so much is, you are afraid of discovering he too is a cheater. If he is a trustworthy man you must trust him. If not, run away.

It is hard to let our pasts be in the past sometimes but it may be an indicator that you are not ready for any relationship yet. Take some time and become a whole person yourself. You must be whole before you can be one half of any relationship. THAT is how you break the cycle.

Comments?????

To my readers (if there are still any):
Please feel free to comment. I love comments!!!

crazy driver

Question:
I am a married adult who recently moved here from another area. I have become acquainted with a neighbor--also new to the area--who is a very poor driver. She will drive with a drink between her knees and generally engage in maneuvers that make my hair stand on end. In our family there are three drivers and two cars and because of priorities, I am the one usually without a vehicle. There is no public transportation. Consequently, when I go out with this person, she is the one doing the driving--not that she minds. She enjoys driving! She has also told me how her grandchildren make fun of her driving, so I am not the only one to notice things. I have decided to no longer ride in a car with her and have chosen to limit the relationship to walking around the area for exercise. However, I know she will suggest that we go somewhere by car. I haven't told her of my concern; I wish I could be honest about this but I just don't feel good about it, especially since I can't offer an alternative. I like this woman but wouldn't be shattered if she never spoke to me again. I would like to remain cordial with her, but just not in the car. Any suggestions you could offer me? Is there a nice way I can convey this? Thank you.


Answer:

Really? Really? This seems like a self extinguishing problem, literally. I find it amusing that you would like to "remain cordial" and not mind if " she never spoke to" you again. I suppose it is an indication of your conflicting views on this woman. I suggest you remain exercise buddies with her until the subject comes up, at which point you can just tell her how you feel. Honesty is the best policy. You clearly wont be losing a good friend if you stomp her feelings but you have to put yourself first in instances where safety is concerned. As far as not having an alternative, phooey! You could let her know you would be happy to drive for her when the two of you are together. If she doesn't like it well, she can lump it. How do you have time to worry about how much she wants to drive? If she already knows she is a crappy driver, (via grandchildren mocking) she will most likely just laugh it off when you express similar sentiments. Just tell her that she can extinguish herself while holding a drink (non alcoholic I hope or we have a whole other set of issues) but you would like to leave avoidable dismemberment to the drunkards. Buck up and stand up for yourself, it feels good!!!

cant take a hint

The question:

I am 32 and a mom with two children. I've pretty much been single for two years. My problem is I found myself falling for my son's teacher. I never saw a ring on his finger, so last school year I made every attempt to visit my son's school as often as I could.

Eventually I took the chicken's way out and e-mailed this man and told him how I felt. He replied that he was flattered, we can remain friends, and he is my child's teacher. I e-mailed back saying I didn't know what I was doing and was not sure how uncomfortable things would be. He said it would be fine, no feelings hurt.

Once again he is teaching my child, and I still feel the same way. He is such a great man, so dedicated to the kids in his class. He is the man I want to get to know better. I have only seen him once this school year, but we often talk on the phone, though always about my son.

We get along so well and laugh like it is natural. Whether he is just being nice, I don't know. After this year he will no longer be my child's teacher. Is there any way for me to find out if he'd like to continue talking? I'm hoping for more. I've been hurt in the past, but with him it just feels so different, so right.

Answer:

A man who is interested in a woman will take her on a date. Especially if she has already put herself out there. The problem is you may have lost your chance with this guy by chickening out and sending him an e-mail telling him you were falling for him. If a guy did the same to you wouldn't you find it a bit creepy?

"Falling" for someone happens after a natural relationship builds on mutual feelings. You may feel your son's teacher is "the one" but it would be impossible to tell unless you two had a genuine relationship outside of school. He made his feelings (or lack of) known to you when he said he wanted to keep it friendly and related to your son and school. You should be able to decipher that this was a blow off.

It hurts to realize that someone we fancy does not return our affection but, it is good medicine to swallow even if it tastes like swill. Don't stalk this guy. Don't obsess about every thing he has ever said to you. Don't invent reasons to see or speak to him. The moral of the story is, chill out. If he has any feelings for you, he already knows where you stand. Any further pursuance and you will prove your desperation.

MAN ADOPTS BACHELOR HABITS THE MINUTE HE GETS MARRIED

The question:It seems the moment we got married a year ago, my husband promptly started gaining weight and adopting horrible habits. He has put on more than 100 pounds. I don't want to nag him, but the magnitude of his bad habits is making me contemplate divorce.

If he hasn't learned things like "garbage goes into the garbage can" or "aim for the bowl" by his age, is there any hope? Should I let him know our marriage may be in trouble? -- STILL A NEWLYWED IN UTAH



The Answer:

I have to answer this question with a question. A year ago? Have you not expressed your feelings for an entire year?

You must, and let me emphasize must, express your feelings to a spouse even when it is unpleasant or feels "naggy". You should definitely let him know your marriage may be in trouble.(how else will he know?) Tell him that his behavior makes you feel disrespected, upset, and concerned for his well being. A good man can fall into bad habits but a good man will strive to live a good life and not take advantage of his wife. If he is a good man he will be open to hearing your concerns.

If he has little or no regard for his own well being he may have other underlying issues that need to be resolved. If you two are having problems communicating feelings about cleanliness and diet, I imagine there are other areas of the marriage where feelings are not being expressed. It is important to be open and honest with a life partner. Nothing good can come from stifling your feelings. That is not to suggest you beat him over the head with your wishes, he is a grown man and will make his own decisions. You just have to decide if you can live with them. Marriage is hard work but it can only work if you BOTH work at it. So good luck. You have some heavy conversations to have with your husband.

co-conspirators

The question: I don’t believe in teen pregnancy. I work full time in a large department store. We hire many part time teen employees. In the past, when one has become pregnant, I have graciously smiled and offered congratulations quietly. I have also contributed to a group gift. The situation has arrived again. Yet another young, unmarried high school girl (who doesn’t even have a boyfriend) proudly announced yesterday that she is pregnant. I feel like a fraud. How can I handle this by honoring my feelings and still acting like a decent co-worker?

Answer: This is a very loaded question and one I feel is quite pertinent. I also have to state that you are entitled to your opinions on the subject and should not feel otherwise.

I am not sure when it became mandatory to gift every person who drifts in and then back out of the workplace. I love gift giving more than most people but I have to disagree with the "everyone pitches in" attitude. Would you be hurt if she did not give you a gift? I don't think you should feel obligated to shower gifts on someone just because everyone else is. No one else should be applying pressure on you to do so. I have worked in department stores and understand that this is easier said than done. Each store has different policies about the appropriate way to handle gifts in the workplace. Talk to the store manager and have them remind the staff that relationships between associates are private and any gifts or parties should be discussed in private situations. You may want to speak up about the cost of giving gifts in the workplace. A co-worker may feel the same way you do and be glad that someone else spoke up. In these economic times it is hard to buy gifts for our loved ones, let alone co-workers. You could start a revolution.

I don't think you have to openly disapprove of this young lady. Maybe what she needs is a good role model to help her make better life choices. Your gift to her could be a listening ear and sound advice. Let her know how hard the road is that she is traveling down and find her a support group, adoption agency, GED program, college fund or religious group. This way you can voice your feelings and look like a concerned co-worker instead of an "indecent one".

However you choose to handle this situation remember, you have to live with yourself at the end of the day. Listen to your instincts and stick to your guns. You cant live your life worrying that you might hurt someone's feelings. Everyone gets hurt sometimes and has to learn how to get over it. This young lady is no exception.

get a load of this chick!!

Question: (my husband went to the bottom of the barrel for this one. WoW!)

"I am a married woman who had a brief affair with a man 10 years younger than myself. If that's not problem enough, the other man is an inmate in prison. I really believe that he loves me but authorities say he was probably scamming me. I am not able to contact him at this time. What should I do to find out the truth?
To make matters even worse than that, my husband is a great man. I know that I have disrespected him beyond words but I just couldn't help myself. We get along well enough but I'm finding more and more that he just isn't a proper partner for me. I am left to make every decision in the entire house. We have 4 children (3 live with us still- ages range from 17-25) and the older they get the more pressure I feel to be the end-all for everyone. Beside that, my elderly mother also lives with us and depends upon me for every decision she needs to make. The mounting pressures are killing me and if that's not enough I have a full time job, 2 part time jobs and go to school about 8 hours per week.
This is what led me to the other man. He is self-assured, knows what he wants and how to get it, can give me the desires and passion I require in a relationship and with him I can find a true partner in whom I could rely on to help with decisions instead of leaving everything in the world up to me to fix.
Please help, I'm really desperate.


Answer:
The desperation is evident. I do, however, want to address your first question about the truth and your seeming quest to find it. It sounds, to me, like you have been given the truth about this man from the authorities and are unwilling to accept it. It is important to be honest with one's self when searching for answers. You WANT this inmate to be the answer when you should be turning inward and finding your own strength.

No man is going to "fix" your life. It is simply impossible for another to relieve you of problems. You must face life and its difficulties with resolve (and God if you are religious) and nothing else. If it goes badly you chalk it up to a learning experience and get over it. No one's life is "fixed" it is always a journey. This goes double for your kids. You cant fix everything in anyone's world. The sooner you can accept this truth, the sooner your children will see your example and hopefully follow it thus, alleviating the pressure you feel to save them from experiencing life.

I dont really get it, our innate ability to make choices should be empowering to women! Yet some still adhere to antiquated notions of life "happening" to them. Wallowing in self pity and making statements like "I couldn't help myself" are infantile, pathetic, destructive ways of excusing your indiscretion with your criminal friend. I'm sorry but affairs, in my book, are completely unacceptable. Did he hold a gun to your head? Is that why he is incarcerated? There is no situation where not being able to help one's self is a reason to cheat other than coercion by deadly force. YOU chose to cheat. YOU chose the person you did it with. YOU chose to take on your elderly mother. YOU chose to enroll in school. YOU chose your employment. YOU chose to have and raise children. You chose your husband. Not all of your choices were wrong but, they were yours. Don't punish your husband for the situation you find yourself in. That is just sick.

I applaud your obvious work ethic. I wish ethics extended into your relationships. You say that this younger, criminally incarcerated man is "self-assured, knows what he wants and how to get it" and that he can give you "the desires and passion" you need. I want you to listen closely. He isn't and he can't. Clearly his decision making skills have been questionable. He is in PRISON!

My advice to you is, grow up. I know is sounds strange given your responsibilities but, life does not happen to you. You make decisions even if by omission. Take control of your life and stop wishing for calgon to take you away. Life will just wait till you get back and be pissed you tried to escape.

Question

"I am a 33 year old divorced single mom of two. Therefore I am playing with three hearts in the dating world. I have gone on many first dates and talked to several men only to find out very quickly they were not worth any more time. I started dating this man about a month and a half ago. He has been divorced for about 1 year and a half with 2 kids, and has also dated. From our first date things started off very heavy. He told me a lot of serious things such as he doesn’t want to see anyone else, he believes in love at first sight now and he thinks he loves me. The whole first week we were together, things were very intense. We texted many times throughout the day, talked, saw each other several times. He did go through one period where he disappeared for a day. We had no contact or any response to my texts or calls. His explanation was that he is just not a phone person (which he told me), and that he was fine with the way things are going. He is now going through another phase where I don’t get a response when I text or call. I make a very conscious effort not to call or text incestuously and try not make him feel smothered. When we are together, things seem fine. He still refers to future events, and getting kids involved. My question is should I worry about the times that he disappears and doesn’t respond for a day?"




answer:

Where to begin? Having been a single dating mother for a few years of my life I can understand the apprehension associated with playing with more than your own heart in the dating world. It is good to have the ability to discern the value of a relationship quickly and before little hearts are involved. It would seem you have, at least before this particular relationship, practiced restraint. What I am wondering now is why is your "gomer hazard alarm" not sounding???

It seems a lovely, romantic notion to imagine that this man is so incredibly in to you that he can tell you he loves you within a week of knowing you and that he doesn't want to see anyone else and feels "intensely" during the first week. There is something wrong with this picture though. The smell of desperation should be evident in his eagerness. The alarms and whistles and houses dropping that have, in previous first date epiphany, encouraged you to see a relationship was "not going to be worth your time" should have begun with this one as well. Ask yourself, if love is something you can earn in a week? To really love someone you must know their true self. Is that something possible in a cursory dating situation? Lust, now lust is definitely on that time line, but love?

Secondly, if you see smoke, there may not be a fire but, it's smoldering and you are going to get burned if you stand over it when it ignites. Why is it only SOME days that he cant get to his phone, while others he is intense? Inconsistency is an indicator of inconsistency. And, while I am relieved to hear that you are not "incestuously" (I think you meant incessantly) calling and texting your beau, I am worried about why your afore mentioned gomer hazard alarm is not going off? Move on sister before you know why this one is disappearing and not responding for a day.

You don't want to find a freezer full of heads..........do you?

the first one.

(I got this question from an advise column. It is a real question submitted by someone and it was answered by the columnist.I am just posting my particular take on it and giving the advise I would naturally give.)

"My mother got drunk at a family function and started a fight with me. I ended up leaving before it could escalate, but I feel I ruined the host's day. Would it be appropriate to send an "I'm sorry" note, and how would I word it?"

“I’m sorry my mother is a tool.” It is a shame some people’s parents act like children. It could be conceived by said host that you had some fault or that you could ruin the host’s day but such feelings are completely up to the particular host. It sounds like your mother is quite a crowd pleaser. Every family has that “one relative” whose always trying to “make it weird”, but apologizing for her bad behavior is simply not your responsibility and you would do well to swallow the bitter pill of excusing yourself from the burden of her inappropriate drunkenness. If you truly did nothing to provoke or initiate your mothers tirade, than you owe no apology. If, contrariwise, you find that you hold some guilt in the situation simply state you apologies for your OWN behavior and express your feelings of embarrassment toward your charming mother. If the situation really was awkward enough to cast a gloomy shadow over the family function then the host will be even more impressed with your obvious good manners despite your mothers rearing. Maybe next time you could ask your mother not to drink. Good luck, and remember the moral of the story….. Don’t get drunk at a family function it always ends badly.