Money is a .....

The question:

I have been married for two years and things have gone steadily downhill. I thought I married my soul-mate yet now we can�t seem to agree on anything important. When we were engaged, I though we agreed on everything. Now, even how we like our pasta cooked is a bone of contention.
Our biggest fights seem to be about money. I love nice things and a beautiful environment. I think my husband would be happy living in a cave.
Whenever I come home with a new dress or an item to beautify our house, he hits the ceiling. He wants to retire at 50 and sees any expenditure beyond bare necessities as taking away from his nest egg.
I was raised in a home where money was seen as a way to live better. He grew up in a poorer home where his family scrimped and saved to provide their children with a relatively good life.
Believe me, I am far from extravagant, but I don�t think I should have to defend myself every time I buy something without his approval.
i am at my wits end with this. Please help.




The answer:

People who feel they married their soul-mate are shocked to find they will have disagreements but they shouldn't be. I wonder how long you knew your husband before you got engaged. There are plenty of every day things that just don't come up in a dating scenario. If your husband's views have taken a drastic turn since you were married then there may be more to it, however from your letter it sounds like this is something the two of you should have sorted out before tying the knot. Secondly, everyone fights about money sometimes. If it has become an overwhelming theme to your every day life you may need more help.

That being said, it is not the end of the world or very uncommon for the man in a relationship to be miserly with money and for the woman to want to beautify her space and herself. The trick is to come to the middle. It is important in all relationships to have some compromise. He is not going to become the kind of person who spends money willy nilly and you are not going to become a scrimping, minimalist, saver. The two of you need to decide, together, what is appropriate to spend and on what BEFORE the money is spent. You can continue surprise him with your purchases if you want to continue the fighting.

If he thinks you are spending too much, put yourself on a budget and STICK TO IT! If he is unrealistic in the amount he wants you to spend, have a frank talk with him about your feelings on the matter. At the very least, a budget will allow you some spending money without shocking him. Even if it is more than he wanted you to spend, a budget allows him to work it into his plan.

Communication is key in every relationship as is a willingness to bend. It is important, however to deliver our feelings and frustrations in a non threatening/non judgmental way. A calm, direct but caring conversation when tensions are not raised can work magic on a relationship in trouble.